Friday, July 23, 2004
Is finding a job really so hard? For some reason i seem unconvinced... partially I guess because I haven't made it my priority to get a job. I still seem to be in a "holiday mood". my mom has commented on that and she seems kinda disappointed in my attitude. think she wants me to be more independent and take the initiative to do useful and constructive stuff. i don't blame her. i am rather disappointed in myself for being so lazy. Think i will try hard to do that from now on. Meeting up and hanging out with friends is fine i guess.. but it shouldn't take up 80% of ur time. *Make a mental note to self: Take the initiative, be independent, care more for others than self*
Speaking of my mom, I have been increasingly depressed when I see how both she and dad are getting into an increasing number of squabbles. i spent a few hours in her room just now just to listen to what she had to say. pretty disappointed that dad can't provide my mom with the emotional support she needs.. even basic ones. and after all my mom has done a lot not just for him, but for the whole family.. her helping him start his business and all that. i think he forgets a lot of these things too easily.. just tosses her aside and rather spend time with his colleagues than with our family. Mom is very upset, and I understand her.
All this has made me very disillusioned about the concept of marriage. I always thought it is a given that i will settle down with a family and grow old with a loving wife. But it just isn't a bed of roses... in fact now over time i see it is far from it. Am I to live the life of a bachelor then? For as much as I would love being a father and watch my children grow, I'd rather suffer in loneliness than cause my beloved that much emotional suffering. Relationships and marriage just aren't easy. or so it seems. I have come to think about it, and for as much as I have always wanted to be in a stable and serious relationship, I still have serious doubts if i am ready. In fact, i wonder if i will ever be ready. Do these things come with time? Or do we just learn on the spot when the responsibility is thrown upon us? On hindsight, there's no way for me to know, because i have ever only been in a couple of flings. and the one serious relationship i had ended up with my heart torn to shreds when she cheated on me. Is this what life's about? Or love for that matter? Would I be able to give my other half the tender loving care she deserves? the emotional support as well as pillar of strength? will I be able to give her the credit she rightfully deserves, or will I be too much of an MCP to do that? As much as I want to be the perfect bf or husband in the future, I fear that I have too many weaknesses... some of which are traits beyond repair. Feeling more depressed the more I think about it. Maybe I haven't been reflecting enough in recent times. or prayed for that matter. May God forgive me for I do love him so, yet at times it's hard to let it show.
On a lighter note, a friend of mine just became a father yesterday. His wife gave birth to a beautiful baby daughter. Went to visit them at the hospital yesterday. I find that one can easily forget about all the worries in the world just by looking at new-born babies. Hope she has a blessed life and grows up in an environment of love and trust. *Welcome to our world, Baby Fion!"
Speaking of my mom, I have been increasingly depressed when I see how both she and dad are getting into an increasing number of squabbles. i spent a few hours in her room just now just to listen to what she had to say. pretty disappointed that dad can't provide my mom with the emotional support she needs.. even basic ones. and after all my mom has done a lot not just for him, but for the whole family.. her helping him start his business and all that. i think he forgets a lot of these things too easily.. just tosses her aside and rather spend time with his colleagues than with our family. Mom is very upset, and I understand her.
All this has made me very disillusioned about the concept of marriage. I always thought it is a given that i will settle down with a family and grow old with a loving wife. But it just isn't a bed of roses... in fact now over time i see it is far from it. Am I to live the life of a bachelor then? For as much as I would love being a father and watch my children grow, I'd rather suffer in loneliness than cause my beloved that much emotional suffering. Relationships and marriage just aren't easy. or so it seems. I have come to think about it, and for as much as I have always wanted to be in a stable and serious relationship, I still have serious doubts if i am ready. In fact, i wonder if i will ever be ready. Do these things come with time? Or do we just learn on the spot when the responsibility is thrown upon us? On hindsight, there's no way for me to know, because i have ever only been in a couple of flings. and the one serious relationship i had ended up with my heart torn to shreds when she cheated on me. Is this what life's about? Or love for that matter? Would I be able to give my other half the tender loving care she deserves? the emotional support as well as pillar of strength? will I be able to give her the credit she rightfully deserves, or will I be too much of an MCP to do that? As much as I want to be the perfect bf or husband in the future, I fear that I have too many weaknesses... some of which are traits beyond repair. Feeling more depressed the more I think about it. Maybe I haven't been reflecting enough in recent times. or prayed for that matter. May God forgive me for I do love him so, yet at times it's hard to let it show.
On a lighter note, a friend of mine just became a father yesterday. His wife gave birth to a beautiful baby daughter. Went to visit them at the hospital yesterday. I find that one can easily forget about all the worries in the world just by looking at new-born babies. Hope she has a blessed life and grows up in an environment of love and trust. *Welcome to our world, Baby Fion!"
yeongest 1:58 am