An Endless Stream of Consciousness

Still up @ 4.32am. Want to be the last person to say goodbye to Yuandong & Wanting. Feeling a tad bit nostalgic. No more "talk c***" sessions at Timmies with Yuandong ever again, no more complaining abt soccer after our intramural games, and no more inpromptu 3 hr long chatting sessions with Wanting here in Elm Place. I am just so bad at separations... Suddenly feel that i am a very self-centered person. Always seeking my own happiness & caring abt my own problems the most. Is this wrong? what do I have to do before I can become more other-centered...more giving?

I love the lyrics to this Spanish song... titled "Quedate Aqui"

Quedate aqui
en mis brazos
quedate aqui
para mi,
y no me digas que me amas
no me digas que me adoras
dime solo que te quedas
una vida junto a mi
llevame por alli
llevame en tus anzias a un lugar
donde ya no tenga que jurar
donde ya no tenga que mentir
donde solo exista para ti.
y no me preguntes si te quiero
que no te preocupe lo que pienso
que yo soy completamente tuya a mi manera.
pero a Cuando quiero ser tu sueño
yo no me conformo con tus besos
quiero darte todo lo que siento y más que eso

What's the thing with certain girls and being paranoid? Like if they know a guy likes them & they're not interested then have to behave all awkward and weird?! have u ever thought it's possible he already got the message, has moved on with his life, and is just being nice to u with no ulterior motive?? is it not legal to treat girls nicely or just as friends anymore? It seems that saying anything could be seen as "making a move" to her. Geez, grow up will u?

So sad.. Yuandong & Wanting leaving T.O. in a day's time. Won't ever see them in T.O. again. my final chapter in T.O. has finally begun...*sigh* All my other good pals are leaving within the next wk too. To top it off most of my friends are finished with exams while i'm still stuck studying. Sucks big time...

*reminder to myself*: make appt with chiropractor at AC tom... shoulder still hurts like a b*tch... guess i REALLY am getting old... can't play a game of soccer without getting all creaky.


what can i say? WINONA FOREVER....

What the hell is wrong with me?! My life's a living hell hole right now. One problem after another just keeps coming. maybe i deserve all this shit... but i def need some place to vent all this frustration and anger... where's a punching bag when you need one?!!

Went Timmies the other nite. We were in line when YD told me "hey john, the guy behind you has a gun...." I freaked. then i turned around and it was this policeman standing behind me waiting to buy a coffee. felt like throwing a donut at YD. But then it's moments like these that make life more bearable at times i guess. :) Been having little bouts of depression recently... but doing other stuff has helped me keep my mind off stuff. Also listening to William Hung's songs help lighten my mood just a tad bit.

Spent the most of today reflecting on some things. I ended up spending the entire evening drawing a sketch of Christ, inspired by a picture of James Caviezel as Jesus. This is probably one of the fastest portraits I have done.. but guess i just felt so inspired to draw one of Him. I have always drawn pictures of friends, heroes, and movie stars... but never have I done one of Him. I also watched "Bruce Almighty" with my sis.. never really watched it b4 even tho it has been ard for a while. Guess what caught my attention the most is the part about how we are always praying for miracles or for God to do things for us, when actually many of us have the power within us to "be the miracle". To make the difference in our lives and other people's lives. And how we will be truly happy and satisfied when we start caring more for other people rather than be so concerned about what we want, what we wish for, and what we need. A perfect reminder for me. Anyways, me gonna go do some light studying now...

Feeling a bit down the last day or so. Guess still finding out the full consequences of some of my earlier actions. Guess whatever I did a few days ago the last thing i had in mind was to ruin a friendship in the process. I just pray that no permanent damage has been done. My gut feeling tells me there is more damage than I first thought tho. Is following your feelings a crime?? If not, why must the consequences be so severe?

Wow... had a crazy few days. Crazy but fun nonetheless. On the down side I really need to start putting in extra and becoming more productive with my studying. I am spending lots of time studying, but getting little out of it. Anyways, the highlight of this week has got to be PY's birthday surprise.. a.k.a. "Mission Moo". We were all really sneaky about this and I guess it was worth it cuz she REALLY was surprised... altho now she feels she has been cheated by us cuz of how we went about doing it. Heh.. wah lau... i had to do some of the worst stuff.. being the decoy.. going out studying with her... then after that i brought her to manulife centre and we had this long chat and she helped me with my other "mission".. hehe. Kept on thinking of diff ways to delay time. I just realized being a double agent can be really taxing on the mind.. sigh.. dam exhausted right now.

Anyhow, the surprise was scheduled for 12 midnite... and i brought her back to chestnut at that time as i promised i would :) then we had cake and some pop.... took some crazy pictures as usual... then a few of us stayed over for the nite at chestnut. Didnt really sleep well tho.. fell asleep at 4 plus in the common room.. then at 8plus the janitor came and chased bob and me out of the room so we ended up sleeping on the floor of PY and leng's room... went out for birthday lunch later on in the day at Korean town.. had pork bone soup.. spicy but yummy.. just hope dun get diarhorrea... haha.. hmm. the guys are all playing soccer now... but i really am too tired to even walk.. gonna go sleep now.


The Crazy Wunai Gang...

went out to eaton's centre today with leng, edmund, and bob. as usual the purpose of our trip shall not be disclosed. for the sake of discussion however, i shall just say we just went to do X. let whatever we did be X. well, i ended up getting this really cool LOTR nazgul piggy bank... even makes some noises when u insert stuff into the money slot. bob and me oso ended up getting new shades... haha.. leng say "act cool" but the thing is when we are already cool.. ahem ahem... then no need to act lor. ;) yah.. then we went to red lantern for dinner. taste of the food was ok... but very greasy.. felt like i was eating oil only.. gross. neways.. we stopped by LCBO in atrium after cuz leng wanted to test py's theorem that beer can cure sore throats. haha... wonder how that went. then headed home after and watched TV wif my sis... really should get down to studying soon despite my exam being so far away...

went out to celebrate wanting's bdae tonite @ mr. green jeans. so dam full.. all the portions so big.. and i had so much to eat. seriously gotta start working out b4 i head back to sg... or else mati liaoz... :( neways, we bought a new body pillow for her. she tot it was mashimaro... go figure that out. wanting seemed happy to turn 21. guess it isn't as bad as i thought it would be for girls. after all.. for guys 21 is the beginning... for girls... after 21... everything goes... *ahem ahem ahem*... haha.. no lah.. better shut up b4 i get killed by half the ppl i noe... neways, bought this cute card wif a birthday poem on farts @ shoppers with my sis and yuandong. quite farnie... i already know i am amused by weird stuff.. so none of u haf to tell me that. :P neways still so full now.. can't believe i ate so much.. should prob be taking a walk.. but so tired. been really lethargic the last few days.


From left: Chenyu, Huishan, Ting Fang, Ann, Me, Wanting, Yuandong.

2.45am on good friday.... feel extremely depressed yesterday. for a mix of reasons i guess. my undergrad schoollife's ended. i have 3 weeks till my next exam. dunno what to do with my time... to study or not to study. oso feel a bit discouraged about some things now that i have made THAT decision to do something abt wat i feel... seems like no matter what, time isn't on my side. gotta look for wanting's bdae stuff.. and fast too... we're celebrating her bdae this sat.

just came back from the AV library of robarts. waited an hr and a half for a film i haf to watch to complete my film journal... still didnt manage to watch it.. decided i should come back first and work on the rest of my journal. i swear they have the most stupid retarded idiotic system for these film viewings. and my prof must be a genius to have only made one copy of the film available for a class of 80 students... sigh... really ticked off. been busy the last few days studying for final exams and typing up my final paper. now they're out of the way i feel a lot better. didn't do well on yesterday's 'crime and deviance' exam but think i may have aced today's exam on 'language and gender'... even had time to do the 'bonus extra credit essay question' believe it or not... so tired... and still haf to work my butt off for my film journal later tonite. gonna take a nap.... sigh... why must real madrid lose to monaco in the champions league??? always so suay.... at least arsenal lost... hahaha....

friday.. end of the week again... where does the time go? given up on searching for a way to slow it down... anyway, yesterday i went for lunch with yuandong and my sis and gossiped abt some stuff... didnt realize how much i gossip until recently... but then again for guys its not gossip its termed "talking c***".. :) after that i wanted to go to gerstein to study but yiling called and requested that i do a favour for her... actually more for qiuyan and dan who happened to be in florida in the middle of a school week.. nutsos... had to hand in application forms for their exchange program in HK next yr... so i went all the way to ISC, only to realize the office for international exchange was in koeffler centre. after sorting out several small uncertainties i adjourned to "druxy's" which is just a little further down from timmies on dundas. studied there for an hour and a half... then it was time to meet bertina... i asked her out to go shopping with me... part of the reason i wanted to go shopping cannot be revealed here just in case the person reads my blog b4 her special day is over :D yah... apart from buying stuff for someone, i also bought a new GAP t-shirt for myself... and bertina got herself new trackpants cuz she claimed she wants to exercise now that spring is here. i keep wondering if she is shopping for the purpose of exercising, or actually exercising so she has an excuse to shop :P... neways went home after that and slept till dinner time, where i did some studying again. then met a fren for some serious talk later on at nite... talked and had supper till 230 before i headed home... i must be nuts.

Today, i had class in the morning... got back my assignment, which once again wasnt good at all.. to top it off my annoying classmate borrowed my notes again.. and said will return it to me on monday.. like i dun need to study like dat... kept avoiding her calls last nite when she called me on my cell.. cuz i knew just wat she wanted... but i guess it didnt work. had lunch with my sis after class.. joy came down to give me a belated birthday present (teddy bear) and a card she printed... with my grad photo on the front cover and a picture of me and her on the back of the card... dunno y everyone is using my grad photo for my bdae... dun even think i look nice in it... heh..... gonna go to thad's house soon to study for the entire afternoon... prob gonna go sauna and swim there after that... been awhile since i did that... :) then ann's hubbie is coming tonite... prob gonna be fun... too bad he's only gonna be here for 2 days... and i haf to study for most of that time. well, still look forward to seeing him.. it's been a long time... might ask him to play game with me.

heh.. making use of the last few mins of my birthday to update my blog... :D had a wonderful day today! actually prob just the evening part was wonderful but that alone made it feel like the whole day was great. had to go to class this morning, and did laundry in the afternoon, as well as studied for my SPA345 test... which i probably bombed... hahaha! dunno why i'm laughing at that... prob cuz i'm in such a bouncy mood. yeah.. it turned out to be 2 essay questions... and i found out how long it has been since i wrote essays in spanish without the help of dictionaries! just inserted english words for those parts which i forgot how to say in spanish.. quite farnie. think my prof gonna find it amusing marking my paper no doubt... nehow after that came back and met my sis... expected to spend just a nice evening with her and have a small celebration.. didn't expect nething more than that.

then when we reached sambuca everyone was there... wunai gang and thad, yiling, yuandong and wanting... well except for dan and qiuyan who happen to have gone on a "little trip" south and can't make it :) but it was still a great surprise. but everyone looked suspicious and sheepish all of a sudden.. hiak hiak... all the guilty conscience coming to the fore i guess... :P neway, everybody's presents were great... some i am almost certain i will never ever forget! can't believe ppl can actually take the time and the trouble out to be so sweet 2 me... tried pinching myself.. haha.. no lah.. i guess god really just blessed me with the world's greatest frens... but why? only make me feel sadder when i leave this place... it's not that i am afraid that i won't make any more frens ever again.. i'm sure i will.... it's just that none will be the same or take the place of the ones i have here... sigh... neways, above all have to thank my sis again for this sneaky plot of hers lah... despite all our differences and arguments we've had i still love her dearly and wouldn't trade her for any other sister in the world!! just wanna say thanks to everyone again... if i do start getting annoying then just slap me lah... ;) cheers.