An Endless Stream of Consciousness

WHEN IN DOUBT, SHUT YOUR MOUTH (??)

i am still stuck here in my room, still sick, still unable to venture out that much. though i am getting better, i guess i just dun want to take too many risks lest i get a second viral attack. :O neways, staying here in my room has it's pluses too... not to mention i get to sleep as much as i want. :) just a while ago i was looking through some pictures and reading some letters i have received as well as some of my fren's blogs. i suddenly realized how much of our thoughts can be expressed in pen (or via the keyboard for that matter). so much so that it frightened me a little.

how much exactly of what we write down or say to the other person are things that we DO mean and not just some silly foolishness that is written down at the spur of the moment? i mean, i was looking at some of the stuff that were written in these letters (names won't be mentioned for obvious reasons), and can't help but wonder; if i showed this letter to the person who wrote it to me... whether she/he would still agree with what she/he wrote or would it be an embarassment for them to look back now on that time when it was written? at that moment i thought it was pretty amusing until i suddenly realized that i have written numerous stuff and given them away over time. would i be embarassed if i saw what i wrote during that moment in time? perhaps.

and since i am a rather expressive person (in terms of emotions), i probably wrote down a lot of gibberish that i DID mean or that WAS true at the time of writing, but may well have changed over time. and since things that are written down are always harder to erase from memory than verbal messages, have i then been wrong thus far by sharing my thoughts, my emotions, and feelings with others? is it a simple case of shutting up and storing up whatever emotions u have inside? i believe Bob once told me he thinks i reveal too much of myself too others too soon... especially when they don't know me well enough. I think he is right in that sense... but how else are these people gonna know us if not through us telling them about ourselves?? Or is there truly a limit to friendliness? All i know is there ARE some things i have said or written that i now regret saying or writing... not least of all because i no longer hold the same opinion or think or feel the same way...  but can't take back what i have written. i don't want to be seen as a freak... nor am i a hopeless romantic in reality.. rather i am just confused and frustrated by my own over-expressiveness. 

it sucks to be sick... fallen sick over the last few days. had a bad sore throat when i woke up 2 days ago... then felt a bit better over the following day or so but yesterday i had to play in my fren's soccer match which prob made me even more sick today... *sigh* we lost 4-2 in that game some more.. tho i scored one... dunno why lost that badly lah. not that their team was good.. just that our team was a totally makeshift one, with our defence non-existent and me and a few of the others not able to play our usual game. after that went with alex, yiyong, and marshall to "chomp chomp" for dinner. had hokkien mee, chai tao kueh, and sting ray for dinner. yum yum... altho that's prob oso what made me more ill.. not exactly healthy stuff. sigh. can only blame myself.

waiting for mom to bring me over to the doctor's right now.... gonna type up my cover letter and CV/resume for my aunty as well.. cuz she knows some links where she can get me an internship in a particular area i'm interested in. this can only be good in the long run i guess. :) brazil won the copa america.. surprise surprise.... not like i followed it that much this time around tho. haven't been following soccer as much. even missed the man utd vs bayern match early this morning.. believe it or not... heh. but yah. oops.. mom is here already... gotta go to the doc's now.

Is finding a job really so hard? For some reason i seem unconvinced... partially I guess because I haven't made it my priority to get a job. I still seem to be in a "holiday mood". my mom has commented on that and she seems kinda disappointed in my attitude. think she wants me to be more independent and take the initiative to do useful and constructive stuff. i don't blame her. i am rather disappointed in myself for being so lazy. Think i will try hard to do that from now on. Meeting up and hanging out with friends is fine i guess.. but it shouldn't take up 80% of ur time. *Make a mental note to self: Take the initiative, be independent, care more for others than self*

Speaking of my mom, I have been increasingly depressed when I see how both she and dad are getting into an increasing number of squabbles. i spent a few hours in her room just now just to listen to what she had to say. pretty disappointed that dad can't provide my mom with the emotional support she needs.. even basic ones. and after all my mom has done a lot not just for him, but for the whole family.. her helping him start his business and all that. i think he forgets a lot of these things too easily.. just tosses her aside and rather spend time with his colleagues than with our family. Mom is very upset, and I understand her.

All this has made me very disillusioned about the concept of marriage. I always thought it is a given that i will settle down with a family and grow old with a loving wife. But it just isn't a bed of roses... in fact now over time i see it is far from it. Am I to live the life of a bachelor then? For as much as I would love being a father and watch my children grow, I'd rather suffer in loneliness than cause my beloved that much emotional suffering. Relationships and marriage just aren't easy. or so it seems. I have come to think about it, and for as much as I have always wanted to be in a stable and serious relationship, I still have serious doubts if i am ready. In fact, i wonder if i will ever be ready. Do these things come with time? Or do we just learn on the spot when the responsibility is thrown upon us? On hindsight, there's no way for me to know, because i have ever only been in a couple of flings. and the one serious relationship i had ended up with my heart torn to shreds when she cheated on me. Is this what life's about? Or love for that matter? Would I be able to give my other half the tender loving care she deserves? the emotional support as well as pillar of strength? will I be able to give her the credit she rightfully deserves, or will I be too much of an MCP to do that? As much as I want to be the perfect bf or husband in the future, I fear that I have too many weaknesses... some of which are traits beyond repair. Feeling more depressed the more I think about it. Maybe I haven't been reflecting enough in recent times. or prayed for that matter.  May God forgive me for I do love him so, yet at times it's hard to let it show.

On a lighter note, a friend of mine just became a father yesterday. His wife gave birth to a beautiful baby daughter. Went to visit them at the hospital yesterday. I find that one can easily forget about all the worries in the world just by looking at new-born babies. Hope she has a blessed life and grows up in an environment of love and trust. *Welcome to our world, Baby Fion!"

Finally done editing James' Bdae Frens Interview video. heh.. it sure is a funny one. hope he enjoys it. tried sending it to a couple of friends over msn already, but it's like 230 MB and always cuts off before it is done sending. guess i will just burn it  onto a CD and give it to them. easier that way :)
 
Qiuyan came by just now cuz she was gonna lend me her iPOD installation CD. but funny thing is she couldn't find it in her car once she was downstairs and i came along... only for her to find it in the front seat once she was reaching home. *tsk tsk* i mean how blur can you get. i for one can tolerate "blur-ness" as i have tonnes of frens who are blur... myself included. But i mean, when you are blur 24/7.... there is smthg seriously not right. lol. she insisted on giving it to me another day when i no longer have a need for it. sigh.. well it's nice of her to make that offer :) i finally managed to extract my mp3s from my dumb iPOD player. they made it in such a way that the songs cannot be extracted if u didn't store them as an external hard drive. a really long story. but bottom line is i found the solution last nite when i came upon this site that has a software called "iPOD agent" that helps solve this problem. finally! oh yeah.. and finally there is wireless internet access in my room. for some reason i haven't been able to go online for the past few weeks (no signal) cuz our house has a funny structure and there are too many walls, doors, and the distance is too big. and the dumb thing is our service provider is SINGNET, so we only have one phoneline that can be connected to the ethernet port. sucks big time. but that's out of the way now.
 
Still waiting for news on my application as a teacher with MOE. i have taken down the addresses and numbers of some schools near to my place tho. gonna take the initiative and call them tomorrow. my friends who have been successful relief teachers gave me this piece of advice. thanks a lot!! ;) i also sent an email to inlingua language school.. applying to become a teaching assistant for spanish. good thing is this school is at clementi arcade... just 5 mins walk from my house. so see how these diff routes go. How i wish now that i can laze around and do nothing. I always thought that after you are done studying you are entitled to some freedom and relaxation. but if i sat around and did nothing now i would feel extremely guilty... since all my pals either seem to be occupied with something, or getting ready for school to start. NTU is having their orientation this week i think... and NUS next week. gonna be seeing a little less of my pals soon. but it's just as well, since i need to get some impt stuff done for myself b4 i enlist for NS.

Quote of the Day: "Ignorance of scripture is ignorance of Christ himself..." - Father Ignatius
 
Went to James' bdae party last nite at Pasir Ris.. one of those chalets they had there. Funny thing...  there were so many ppl there.. and i met a lot of old faces. apart from the regular CH gang of boys i knew, i also saw Jackie, this gal from my church last time. didn't talk to her however as i thought it would be weird since it's been so long. plus i never was really close to her tho i was interested in her b4 a long time ago.. and apparently Justin Lee (who wooed her b4) said that Jackie told him that she was interested in me at one time b4 i left for canada. dunno how true that was, but it doesn't really matter now anyways. Seeing all my old pals sure was a welcome sight. The food was good too, plus i was safe from all the "tekaning" that ol' birthdae boy had to suffer..lol. poor james. oh well, he has all those presents to make up for it. actually the celebration was for 3 ppl having their bdaes within the space of these couple of weeks. the other guys were this guy i didn't know and jensen koh, a friend of mine from cat high as well, knew him from NCC land. one heckuva stand-up dude and loyal pal. but guess james is a lot closer as a pal of mine.
 
we all snuck into this room to make this bdae interview video for james. there was francis, chin yen, boon keng, wen cong, nien long, teck leng, yi yong, wei chuen, alvin yang, and me.  gonna give James the video as a present now that i have edited it... all that's left to be done is to burn it onto a CD. hope he likes it. we all had a fun time making it. think it's friggin' amusing. fun aside i am getting increasingly impatient at several things. for one, my parents' refusal at letting me work at their company for whatever reasons they may have... "ppl may gossip" or whatever. and waiting for my status to be approved as a relief teacher is so boring. also i have made numerous trips to funan centre and as yet the PC in my room still can't go online. how lame can it get??? sucks really bad. next weekend it's "choice weekend" already. can't believe time flies when you are having a good time. heading off now...

feeling a tad bit "sien" these two days... can't really pinpoint the reason, but seems to be a mixture of me not being able to do anything really productive yet and me yearning for days past. regardless, i have just applied to become a relief teacher with the MOE (ministry of education) and my status is currently under consideration. thinking of teaching at catholic high (my old sec school--all boys) and/or nan hua secondary (co-ed--cuz it's near my house). i've decided to take up nicki's advice not to teach at an all-girls school cuz she thinks it wouldn't benefit both the students and me educationally as we would be too distracted (??) whatever that means. thanks a lot to my pal alex for his help cuz he himself has just started working as a relief teacher... he has been extremely helpful with my useless and dumb questions that just keep popping up about this "teaching" business.

on sunday i played my first ever match for my bro-in-law's team. it's kinda funny cuz the team is a mixture of really good players to really crappy players.. kinda his frens from the airforce/JC/workplace etc... we played against Mountbatten FC which had lotsa malays in it. needless to say they were really good and dominated us for most of the game. i had an OK debut for them i guess.. i grabbed the opening goal of the game but by half time we were 2-1 down. then in the second half i was stamped on by one of their players and subsequently found out that i had some ligament damage around my metatarsals. but i guess i felt really gutted after the game cuz in the final minute i was through one on one with only their keeper to beat and i screwed up so we lost 2-1 when it could've been 2-2. the ref was kinda weird too... i wonder if he was like bribed before the game or something.. made numerous dubious calls against our side. anyways, i've been receiving ice treatment for the first 24 hrs on my foot, followed by heat treatment.. plus some funny gel ointment the doc gave me. hopefully my foot'll be better soon.

francis and chinyen stayed over the other nite. it is so funny cuz it's been such a long time since we joked around together. but boy does it feel good to be back with them. :) miss these guys. francis is still the ultimate joker.. he calls chin-ster "golden" which is short for "golden d**k" kinda followed after beckham's "golden ballz" i guess. weirdos... so chinyen is chin-ster, i am john-ster, and francis is.. errm.. "fran-ster" (friendster) lol. how lame could we get. chinz was addicted to my LOTR RPG game within secs of playing it and francis and i went to have supper to leave the addict alone in my room. then we came back for some winning eleven. francis is soooo hilarious i swear i laughed till i cried when i watched him play. he is not a fantastic player of the game but he uses unconventional tactics to always hold us to a draw and then penalty shootout he always wins at mind games. so freaky.. lol. neways we slept at like 4am and had to wake up by 930 to catch spiderman 2 at west mall. francis had to meet daphne after the movie for volleyball with their group. really "interesting" how he keeps toking about her nowadays. he denies that he likes her but he's like "daphne this, daphne that" lol. showed me her photo the other day. she hasn't changed much except for the dyed hair i think. neways, i should get ready to go out soon.

THE PAST WEEK IN PICTURES
Us grandkids with grandma in KL...where's the rest of the family? miss all the rest of u cuzn's!


Me & PY @ Mid Valley Megamall


Celebrating my hattrick vs Focalare II in the Charity Soccer Tournament

Just came back from KL yesterday... went to visit an aunt and some of my cousins there. went there together with jackie, jonathan (2 other cousins who came back from LA), and kenneth and katherine (2 cousins in indo). the whole trip was pretty fun as we took the bus there.. the bus ride was about 5 plus hrs long. but since i was sleeping most of the trip i didnt find it very interesting.. lol. got to see aunty wei's new house. or should i say bungalow.. boy was it amazing.. huge plus the decor was so pretty. i wanna stay there! lol. i've only been to one house that's larger.. and that's victor and alejandra's house. but then again those 2 mexican pals are even more loaded, so can't compare. met phei yee at mid valley megamall for a few hours the other day.. we chatted and drank bubble tea and hung out for a bit. and ate and ate. boy can she eat. think i have to give up liaoz. first we ate "roti boy", then she wanted to eat "cheese cake". *sigh* so paiseh i can't beat her at eating.. hehz. oh well, i need to get in shape neways since NS starting in a while.

met up with nicki this afternoon for tea @ Wisma's "coffee club express"... talked for so long that i didn't realize that time just flew by. just realized there was so much i didn't know about her and her past yet.. and vice versa i'm sure. it sure was fun catching up with her. talked about how we're gonna spend our time ahead as well.. think i really need to start looking for a part time job. i've narrowed it down to either applying to be a part-time teacher or work at my dad's company. not sure which is better tho. just wanna maximize the use of my time since i prob won't enlist so soon yet. neways i'm bored to bits. tomorrow i have 2 soccer matches that i am particpating in. so better get sufficient rest.

Haven't been sleeping that well lately. Been suffering from SMTS (severe-missing-toronto-syndrome :P)... *sigh* dunno if this is normal.. sometimes i miss it so much i almost feel like crying. what a wuss i am. it's just that when i go to bed at nite these visions of T.O. make it seem so real that i am still there... that i am at the very places i used to be and with the ppl i know so well. really hope i can get over this soon.

Yesterday morning i completed my medical for pre-enlistment of NS. i was classified under "pending further medical review" which isn't exactly a good thing. apparently i have some hearing problem and cannot detect sounds of highest frequency that are emitted from a set of headphones. the thing is i really didn't hear anything... they must've been really soft. so i have to go back for another checkup on my hearing on august 23rd. this means that i almost certainly won't be enlisting for NS anytime soon. prob the earliest is november... *sigh* plus if they do not certify me as a "combat-fit" person i may have to end up being a clerk in army rather than be a soldier. yucks. i dun wanna sit in the office when there's so much fun outside... my army pals must think i'm nuts, but if i haf to waste 2 yrs of my life in army, i'd rather do something physically challenging and be fit for it. dun wanna sit ard doing nothing.

went out with jonathan chen this morning to queensway to buy a new pair of sandals... then out with yuandong after lunch to kai kai a bit. feel like the two of us really are on the same wavelength in many things... sucks that we won't be hanging out as much together once school starts cuz he's going back to T.O. feel like he is kinda like an older bro that i never had. kinda like the situation of my bro-in-law (zibin). but they are two rather different guys. all i can do is thank god that i met this corny and fun pal in my life in T.O. alritez off now... gotta pack cuz going to KL tomorrow morning.

Quote of the Day: "To err is human; to forgive, divine."

Feeling absolutely exhausted. Went for a Charity soccer tournament early this morning... was there till this evening.. whole day of soccer surely takes it out of u! *pant* plus i have yet to fully acclimatize to the humidity and heat of sg still. it really does have a big negative effect on my stamina and endurance. on the bright side our team titled "fake madrid" (*grin*) won all 3 of our group games, 1-0, 4-0, 3-1... with me scoring 4 goals in total, including a hattrick in our 4-0 win. unfortunately despite being the favourite to qualify for the semis, we lost in the quarters thanks to a cock-up by our keeper, who misjudged a backpass and proceeded to kick the ball into his own net.. so we were out 0-1 in the quarters against a team that we totally dominated. that saw my chance of being top scorer of the tournament go down the drain. talk about bad luck. :( oh well... it was a fun day nonetheless, and it WAS fun. :) saw a lot of old faces... some old opponents and adversaries whom i have played with in soccer tournaments years past before i left for canada and haven't seen since. plus there were a couple of cute girls who helped organize the tournament. :D hiakz...

*sigh* still have to wake up early tom morning for my medical. check-up as well as pre-enlistment for the army tom prob gonna take about 4 hrs. i hope i won't have to go in that soon yet! it all depends on how fit i am, how many available slots there are per intake etc. so fingers crossed!! :) still have to meet up with lots more frens anyway... so wouldn't be fun going in to army so early. oh yeah, thinking of going up to KL this wednesday for a few days with my aunt and cousins (from indo) to visit another aunt and her kids. should be fun if i go... hopefully can bump into PY :P haven't seen her in a bit.

Quote of the Day: "Do not pray for challenges equal to your strength; but for STRENGTH equal to your CHALLENGES".

arrived back in sg 2 days ago... could feel the heat and humidity the moment i stepped out of the airport...still not quite used to it even now. went to eat with my mom and bro-in-law then came back home and was supposed to rest a bit. but yuandong just knocked off work near my place, so he called me and we headed off to clementi central for a few drinks plus kaya toast. then had dinner with sis and bro-in-law (i shall call him bro from now on as it's shorter this way) at ginza plaza. elvin the nut-case was so siao on about watching the holland vs portugal match that he self-invited himself to my place... so first nite back not much sleep had to watch match with him. was freakin' tired but amazingly stayed awake for the whole match.

yesterday went to open new account at the bank for me and also called CMPB regarding some NS stuff. so sien... dun wanna enlist too soon yet.. heh. neways, met up with james in the afternoon. him, elvin, and me went to queensway as james and i needed to get a new pair of street soccer shoes each.. lol. mine has a hole in them that's why need a new pair. then elvin left and james and i went to orchard for some coffee at starbucks. just realized how many gals in sg use so much friggin make up that it covers their whole face. a bit gross in my opinion... earlier in the day elvin was so captivated by this sec school gal.. i admit she's kinda cute but errr... bro, we're like 21 now.. don't u think it's a bit wrong to still be going for girls of that age?

neways, had family dinner and met up with grandma, aunty ling, uncle jin, kenneth and katherine. can't believe kenneth (my cousin) is now taller than me. shit man.. no longer tallest amongst my cousins. even jason is like my height now. and jonathan is fast catching up. *feeling threatened* lol... i guess i know where i get my height genes from now... has to be my mother's side of the family. elvin and weichuen met us at novena square after dinner and we all came back to my place to watch the second match for the second nite in a row. macam they think i no need to get over jet lag like dat. needless to say we talked cock and went out to the 24 hr coffee shop near my house for supper than came back and did lots of catching up on each other.. dunno why elvin want to know so much about our love lives. apparently he just broke up with his gf and is now in a kind of "complaining about gals" mood. wei chuen got attached just a few months back to this chinese filipino gal in the UK... well me? i told him nothing has changed since the thing with Joy back in 2002. was true in the sense as she's the last person i ever dated but since the kay poh man still wanted to hear all the "juicy" details... i said i havent liked anyone since then. wat a liar.. lol. just realized how much i missed his lame ass corny jokes and comments. well when the match finally started the 3 of us ended up falling asleep in front of the tv cuz we were all so dam tired.. so dam farnie. at first elvin was bitching at me for sleeping... then in the end the two fo them also fell asleep. until the commentator shouted "GREECE! they're through to the final!" lol.. that's when we woke up. can't believe this truly is the year of the underdogs. maybe i should try my luck at something i normally suck in :)